Apocalypse

It was at the bar, just a month ago that Johnny heard of the Apocalypse. After uttering a garbled expletive, spilling his drink on the bargirl’s dress and standing shell-shocked for a few seconds, he decided to act.

Johnny started praying for God to appear before him. Either the prayers were particularly strong or God was totally jobless, but for some reason, he – sorry, HE – appeared before Johnny.

God – Yes, dear boy. Why did you call for me?
Johnny – Thanks for coming, God. I just wanted to know whether its true that the world is gonna end on 23rd December, 2012?
G – Wot! Who told you that?
J – Er… everybody knows about it. Even Hollywood – they are actually making a movie on that called 2012.
G – bi***es. Those arrogant little twerps never keeps me in the loop.
J – Who?
G – Yama and Shiva. The God of Death and the God of Destruction. Stuff like ending the world – your human world – would definitely be a joint decision by the two of them.
J – Ohh!! So there are multiple Gods??
G – (With an expression of utmost pity) Of course there are multiple Gods. You know, this has always been the problem with you men. You never think in a large enough scale – look at the big picture, boy! I say… which country are you from?
J – India.
G – Ah, perfect. If you need a coalition Government with 100 ministers to run your country which is so tiny in the larger scheme of things, how many Gods do you think is required to run the Universe?
J – Oh…..OK. Now that you put it that way. Anyway, we have drifted a bit. The point is that the world is gonna end on 23/12/2012.
G – You’ve already told me this. So what?
J – But I’m getting married on that day!
G – Oh, great! Congratulations. May your wife and you live long lives of happiness (I use this as a metaphor actually. Now, if Yama was the one saying this….) and have plenty of children!
J – You are congratulating me? Dont you get it yet? The world will end that day.
G – Ahh… That might be a slight issue, I see..
J – You see clearly, Milord. It is a very dense and acute issue.
G – And insurmountable I’m afraid.
J – Is it so? Let me just ask for a favour then.. Can the world end in the evening?
G – In the evening?
J – Yeah, after the marriage you know..
G – You mean to say, your prophecies never specified the time when the world would end? That’s utterly ambiguous!
J – I know. So if you guys haven’t decided on the time yet, please push it to the evening. In fact, just before midnight would be perfect. I’d like to have the post-marriage party as well.
G – Am I invited?
J – Of course – but how can you attend a party on Earth?!
G – Pah, your religious leaders have taught you tosh I see. There was a time when man knew all about us Gods and our ways. You people have forgotten everything now. Anyway, I have attended millions of parties on Earth.
J – Really?
G – Yup. I have played matchmaker countless number of times, and I have spilled drinks on many an arrogant idiot as well. In fact, let me tell ya a little secret, (whispers conspiratorially) the parties at Ibiza are the best.
J – Uh.. Ok. That’s just a little too much information than I asked for. Anyway, I completely understand if you lot are under pressure to end the world on that day, since you have prophesied and all, but please do it by around 23:59:59 OK? I would really like to have as much fun before the party literally ends.
G – Hmm, that seems possible. Yes, definitely possible. I’ll have a word with Yama.
J – WOW, thats just brilliant, Thanks a lot!
G – Come on, did you really expect me not to agree to that request? We are not all that bad you know.. Just because some angry God made that prophecy some millenia ago, it is our burden to fulfill it.
J – What happens if you dont?
G – Now, now! We dont wanna take that risk, do we!? Gods have never tried fiddling with prophecies. Not to my knowledge. We are quite conventional in that sense. You never know what evil lies in store if we do something of that sort.
J – But who would ensure the fulfillment of a prophecy? Lets say, if you decide not to end the world on 23/12/2012, who would be there to..erm..destroy you or something?
G – Really, why did I give you people such advanced brains? Should have given them to dolphins or something. There are higher powers than us, you nitwit. Just like you humans have us Gods to manage your affairs, we naturally have a few blokes sitting above us.
J – Are they like some super-Gods or something?
G – We call them Pricks.
J – Oh, and Pricks are all-powerful?
G – No way, Pricks have superiors and you have no clue how happy we get when a Prick get punished for a mistake. We have unbelievable feasts up there in heaven to celebrate that. The ‘Lets All Laugh At the Pricks’ parties go on for days! And the most popular Gods are the ones who gets a Prick in some sort of trouble with a snide trick or two. I expect that’s the case in Earth as well?
J – Not really. Our society is actually dominated by people who worship Gods. In fact, its considered a sign of being a good man.
G – Don’t tell me! You humans are really a riot! You guys worship your bosses?
J – Never really thought that way.
G – In any case, to answer your question, every level of being has a level above it.
J – So is there someone who is all powerful? Who is answerable to no one?
G – Nope. Everyone has a boss.
J – But that’s impossible.
G – Some idiot mathematician from your world said these same lines to me a long time ago. I taught him the concept of ‘infinity’.
J – I flunked Maths.
G – Evidently.
J – Didn’t matter much though. I’ve just met God.
G – Ha, touché. Time for me to leave now – I can catch that blighter Yama just about now, before he leaves for his Proxima Centauri shift. Do have fun so long as you are there in your little blue planet. You cribbers have no clue how great your life down there is (If I tell you what those twitchy, pink men in Proxima Centauri eat, you’ll puke all over my robe. So, I’ll refrain)….And I’ll certainly turn up for your party. Where are you having it?
J – There’s no choice now but to book the restaurant at the end of the universe.
G – Ahh, Ole Doug Adams wrote about it I remember. Capital guy. Anyway, nice talking to you. And of course you wont remember a single thing I told you after I leave you. We really don’t want those pseudo-prophets you guys have, to lose their livelihood. Their alternate competencies are quite limited.
J – Oh, wait!

Too late.

(Above narrative would sound slightly better when read in a native Cockney accent. Even better when its a drunk Cockney accent.)

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4 responses to “Apocalypse

  1. y dont v get to vote for Gods? tht way, we can have th ones we like in power..like Chuck Norris maybe

  2. I stand corrected. Norris is defntly a prick. Incidentally, is Johnny what u call urself these days? In which case, I think u shud also be telling God to account for differences between time zones..there you are, getting ready to tie the knot and bham! the world ends..God is Japanese..

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