Spoiler Alert – If you haven’t watched that multi-million-billion-trilion dollar 3D movie with a lot of blue-coloured people, you might not want to read this completely unrelated story about the Colony.
The four of us (Big Boy, Bearded Boy, Long-Haired Girl and me) decided to attack the Colony when we were drunk and confused. Therefore, I shall attempt to describe all that happened, without the why and the wherefore.
Well, maybe the ‘why’ can be touched upon. We knew that ants secreted a liquor so powerful that its effect made Absinthe seem like Limca. It was stored in a well deep within the ant-hole, protected by the largest of their clan. This well was known in the legends as the Well of Infinite High. And we wanted to drink from it.
I was chosen to lead the attack since my fingers were long and thin. They could enter most nooks and crannies.
Therefore, I knelt by the Colony and stuck a forefinger in. And immediately felt a sharp bite on the said finger.
Yelping in pain, I retreated – so did my mates, determined to start off afresh with a fresh tactic after a few drinks more. Blender’s Pride incidentally.
I wandered by the Colony a few minutes later and this time knelt next to it, staring as far as I could see into the dark. It was all quiet for a few seconds and then someone whispered –
“I see you”
Shocked, I straightened up, shook my head and cursed the alcohol. Did I really hear someone speak from within the ant hole? I dived back in again.
“I see you”
The same voice. I wasn’t hallucinating. I attempted a reply.
“Uhm.. I don’t”
And that was that. No further communication from the hole.
My flatmates looked excited and were debating rather noisily across the dining table when I slouched back into the room. The crazy professor next door, Dr. Gomambo, had apparently invented a shape-shifting serum that could make you an ant. Crazy days, these.
Getting the serum from the professor was a simple task. We knew he was growing an illegal weed plantation inside his house. Blackmail.
Once again, I was the chosen one. This time because I looked like an ant. I was not cribbing though, since I wanted to trace that voice. Who saw me?
Gomambo had passed on to us a map of the ant-hole as well. One of those ancient parchments which cluttered his wee attic.
The transition was rapid once I drank the serum – I shrank down to the size of a reasonably big red ant. I could now see the dark varicose veins in the marble floor in perfect detail. Actually, they looked like National Highways to me.
Did any of us think of an anti-serum? No. We were drunk, you see..
I crawled into the hole, self assured (since I looked rather majestic for an ant). She was sitting right next to the entrance, elegant and poised. Coloured a deep red, she was rather big – bigger than a normal-sized male ant. I’m not sure whether it was the alcohol, but I swear she winked at me.
“I see you”
It was her! The same voice!
“Yes! I see you too. Now.”
“Then come with me. I shall take you to our ancient atrium, where all ants have congregated to worship our ancestors.”
I followed her silently. For she was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen.
We danced the dance of the ancestral ants under the dazzling dome of the ancient atrium and soon, fell in love.
Right as we were falling in love, my mates were putting their plan B to action. This involved widening the ant-hole using instruments such as an iron rod and then assassinating all the ants. In the atrium of the ants, we could hear the sharp noises of the blunt object striking the wall.
She (who happened to be the daughter of the ant-queen by the way) and I crawled to the hole entrance and peeked outside. The Big Boy was just about to strike a blow with his rod when I crept out and bit him. As he danced a tribal dance holding a leg up in pain, my princess bit his other leg. We had thus foiled their attempt. But now they knew that I was no longer one of them, but one with my princess. A traitor.
Inside the ant-hole, my princess taught me the ant language and the science of riding the ant-steeds. This happened to be small spiders whom they had tamed and kept in captivity within the hole. I tamed one for myself.
My princess and I were crawling back on our spiders from the spider enclosure to the atrium when disaster struck. A red blaze engulfed the long corridor from the ant-hole entrance to the spider enclosure and we knew that we were being set fire to. I scampered over in my steed and joined the workers in setting the fire off. While doing so, I caught a glimpse of my former flatmate through the hole. The Long-Haired Girl had succeeded where the Big Boy had failed.
A tiring fight later, we succeeded in dousing the fire. But disaster could not be averted. The Queen was dead, consumed by the flames, and my Princess wailed inconsolably. I swore revenge.
And I made a plan.
But for the plan to succeed, I needed the assistance of Quentin, the Tarantula which lived in the bathroom.
It is said in the fables of the ants that Tarantulas can be controlled if you fall on them from a great distance and saddle them with a harness.
I did exactly that. Quentin was my steed now.
It was pitch dark and as I scurried past the living room perched atop the mighty Quentin, I could see the big, burly shapes of my former roommates stretched on the living room couches with empty bottles strewn about.
The attack had to begin soon.
My princess and I rallied the ants with a rousing speech on the pride of our species and the value of freedom. And a bit on the tyranny of the humans towards the end.
The roused ants were indeed a sight to behold. Mounting their spiders, they gave mighty war-cries which resonated through the Colony with deep, sombre notes. We all had a swig from the Well of Infinite High and then we set out to conquer the tyrants to end this oppression once and for all.
In the dark, I led the charge atop Quentin and approached Long-Haired Girl who was sprawled in a supine position on the couch. Quentin executed a graceful jump and landed on her lap, and from there I crawled out and bit her nose.
Her cry woke up the rest.
And the Colony attacked. So did the spiders.
300 valiant ants on their magnificent arachnids against 3 drunk humans. It was no battle really.
Several fearsome minutes later, we had driven the Long-Haired Girl, the Big Boy and the Bearded Boy out of the house. Victory was ours! The ants were free again!
We made our way back inside the hole, me proudly riding the tarantula, my princess by my side. We knew that no human would dare to breach our boundaries again. The ant-hole was ours forever, and so too was the Well of Infinite High.
Revelries followed as we celebrated in the Ancient Atrium, dancing and drinking with much gusto. The princess and I found a moment to our own as we crept away by the shadows. We stood by the walls of the atrium, as passions flew unabated around us in the heady mirth of victory. She turned towards my expectant face. And ever so lightly, bit me.
My 3D glasses slipped down as I woke up with a yelp. No one seemed to have noticed. On-screen, Neytiri was professing her love to Jack Sully by the Hometree.
I settled back into my seat, and failed to notice the ant which slipped away unobtrusively from my legs.