Of Dolphins and Hand-Holders

KC is a friend and a former classmate, currently earning his livelihood in the Far East, in some condo with a panda, some interesting neighbours and a swimming pool. Do not forget the pool, its very crucial.

This pleasantly opinionated jackass is obsessed about the concepts and ideas regarding human Free Will. And has even started a blog dedicated to his belief religion, which analyzes the issue down to the brass tacks and postulates the existence of degrees of Free Will, if you will.

So, I had a sudden realization today that this bugger should be nicknamed after a movie I watched a decade ago, very closely related to his pet topic. From now on KC, you shall be called

The visual imagery of KC doing summersaults in that swimming pool of his is very strong right now – Of course, provided he has the necessary degrees of Free Will intact.

Leaving that aside, I should probably get to the nub of the post right about now. With a very necessary disclaimer that I’m not advocating nor disparaging the particular practice I’m about to touch upon. It might have an emotional meaning beyond my understanding, and if the practitioners of the practice get offended, please dont sue me, but feel free to get amused at my ignorance.

Have you ever seen something like this in public?

Aye, thats right, two men holding hands. Incidentally, the two featured in this picture are friends of mine who shall probably empty my pocket of half my monthly salary when they see this post, in lieu of not suing me for public defamation. Anyway, lets call them Humpty and Dumpty. Just why did Humpty and Dumpty hold hands in that poignant moment when some ever-alert photographer clicked that pic? The answers are out there for us to speculate, and my diligent research over the last few months has helped me categorize the straight and male handholders into 4 categories based on the reason behind the handholding. Let us proceed..

Category 1 – The Comforters

When you walk down the road during the day, with the sun shining down with much ferocity on you, sapping you of all your energy resources, one naturally tends to seek comfort. And if a nubile dame is not walking with you at the same time (or if the nubile dame is not keen on holding hands with you), you might just happen to hold the hand of the male friend walking next to you. Quite understandable of course.

Possible consequences – Of course the dude walking with you might think you are as gay as they come, and burn you to death with a cold stare. Before proceeding to embarrass you by texting your entire circle of friends about your ‘handholding tendencies’.

Category 2 – The Assurers

I got to know of this set very recently. Apparently when you are a guy from a small town, and has just moved into a big city, you need some kind of assurance. When such a guy finds someone in a similar situation, they tend to hold hands to present a united front towards the city and the grim, dark forces which could confront them there. Er… this is what someone told me. Seriously.

Also, these are the blokes who hold each other by their little fingers. And no, dont ever think this could be cute in the faintest way. Watching two guys holding onto each other by their little fingers is NOT cute.

Possible Consequences – Evidently, along with the aforementioned grim, dark forces, the several single girls thronging the city are also turned off from these joined-at-the-little-finger amigos. Which might be why most of them end up holding hands well into their 30s.

Category 3 – The Comrades

This is probably how Humpty and Dumpty would justify their bit of emotion. There comes a time in the life of every man when you happily contemplate the wonderful friendship you have with a guy friend. As the force of this happy camaraderie surges through you, you might just lift that hand of yours and take hold of the guy friend’s hand. Of course, quite unconsciously.

Possible Consequences – Another friend might choose to blog about you, complete with photographic evidence.

Category 4 – Security Guards

The largest category, and the fishiest. I don’t know if you guys have noticed or not, but I’ve been seeing an inordinately large number of security men holding hands and walking together, in recent days. This phenomenon can usually be observed late at night, after about 10PM, when the office buildings they are supposed to guard are empty of most of the employees. Then they embark on their sojourn from one end of the service road to the other, holding hands and swapping stories.

My office is in a cyber city of sorts, so there are hundreds of security men in the several buildings inside the city. Once, when I left the office late, I saw at least 7-8 pairs of security men walking in this fashion. One wonders why they do it and whether there is a deeper movement at work. Wouldnt rule out a late-night conclave of all these gun-toting security guards, with them holding hands and sitting in a circle. And making megalomaniacal plans to take over the world? One never knows. They have enough guns to do so anyway.

Possible Consequences – The entire practice of men holding hands could get a macho flavour because of these guys. After all, they have guns. And moustaches. I do not see the day that far off when Osama and Ayman Al-Zawahiri gives an interview in Al-Jazeera, holding hands and looking all macho.

That completes my research on the known category of straight male handholders. Do inform me if there are more species out there, who can be classified, identified and kept at an arm’s length.